I know, it’s been a while. First and foremost: we are healthy, and Portland is not on fire.
When I started my long silence, it was because I had started work on a book. In the past, I’ve been too quick to blog about my projects, leaving a sense of failure and disappointment in me when they fail to meet completion. So this time, I kept it close to my vest and just wrote. And wrote. When I was done, it felt great for almost a week. And then I looked at what I had written, an unmitigated mess in the first person, and felt no small sense of despair.
The book sucked.
For a while, I let that realization rule me. But in the last few weeks, I’ve taken the manuscript back up and begun to look at it, not so much as a first draft as a really detailed outline. And I’ve begun rewriting it, from scratch, and frankly, I like what I’m writing these days. I can see where I dropped the ball in the first draft (besides writing it in the first person), and I think I’m correcting for that in this pass.
But even that doesn’t explain the long silence, or my breaking it. For that, I think I owe a nod to H is for Hawk. I’m only a few chapters in, and although the writing is great (really, I see why it was so acclaimed), I’m struggling because it’s bringing up memories and feelings I thought I had control of. After a brief discussion of goshawks vs sparrowhawks, the author’s mother called to tell her her father died. And just like that, the pain of last year fell on me again this week.
Which strangely brings me back to here. After my parents passed away, blogging became less important to me. I had a few times where I tried to bring it back – NaNoWriMo, and again earlier this year. But there has been so much going on, from soft apocalyptic pandemics to George Floyd and all that came from that. Blogging just wasn’t on my billet.
But I found myself crying the other day at what is happening in my own backyard. While I don’t live in the two to four square blocks where everything is happening (despite rumors, Portland is not burning), the idea that our own Government was using troops against its citizens is repugnant. What a dark day for the Republic. Last night, DHS finally started pulling out of Portland. If the media is to be trusted, it was also a peaceful night. What a sad statement.
And yet it somehow got me out of a rut, because here I am. Blogging. And remembering I do have a voice, and thoughts to share. Feel free to leave a comment below, its really the only way I know you’re out there. (Assuming I haven’t forgotten to re-enable comments).